wolves

i have heard them howling and echoing from the hillside; heard their ancient canine paws scratch the tired ground outside. they are organized, and their curling lips dribble hunger down the rough fronts of their scarred coats. their gray eyes drink the dark and icy steam rises from their mouths. noses wet with the blood of a previous kill, and yet they lack saeity. i want to ask, why me? i have nothing for you. but they keep enough distance that i cannot take them personally, not really, not now.
i want to pass this test.
i want to stave them off for good.
and yet the fire i feel in my face seems to draw them closer, and i wish it were not so.
what will my life be like now?
will i see my face again?
and if i have another face am i another person?
i miss me. wolves, please bring me back.

life, the great writer

i always find it amazing to be able to connect with someone who has passed secret notes back and forth in study hall with life... who is on such a confidential basis with it that when the very word is mentioned, that person will go, " oh, life and I are like this!" and then hold up the first two digits of their dominant hand tightly crossed. i wonder if i am such a person. like, do i know it that well? i feel a little like Joni Mitchell must have felt shortly preceeding the writing of "Clouds" (aka Both Sides Now) what's funny about that song is that I have known the lyrics since I was a baby... I don't remember a time I didn't know that song, and it is only lately that I have really begun to understand it. (Leah, if you read this, forgive me, but this is the version I grew up with and the one I love most.)
I feel like life has written on me, and i feel sometimes like a handwritten letter from life, to people I love. I have had enough upset to know better than to be parsimonious with those I love. I want to be a smile on their faces whenever they think of me. I want to be a tear of joy on their cheeks. I want to be an urge in their hearts to hug, or bake cookies. I want to be a warm chuckle of identification on a lonely night in their lives.
i am so grateful for all the love in my life.

perspective

it's been an interesting, kind of amazing day. the feeling is intangible and difficult to describe but something has changed. I noticed the other night while on the phone with younger friend of mine with whom I have a sometimes sibling-like, sometimes teacher/student like relationship. He's adorable and talented and i love him and sometimes he creates the occasion for me to feel crazy. My jaw has physically dropped at some of the things that have come from his mouth. I took a long time away from him because I had no energy not to fight with him, and it wasn't fair to him. We are spending more time together again and I am noticing how much I have changed since before my time away. I was listening to my 30ish year old friend talk about his relationship with his family, and listening to this tone of entitlement in his voice, to which of course he is entitled... this is merely my experience I am talking about... and I was thinking how simultaneously cute and bratty he sounded, and I was laughing to myself because as I listened, I was hearing ME talk the way I can so many times when I am not conscious of all I have to be grateful for; when I speak from that woe-is-me place. And I realized that it was behavior that should not be indulged for any great length of time in anyone over the age of five. And so I let him talk to me that first night, and then he called back the next and basically I got the same story... and I had to let him know that I just don't have it in me, and that I will only support his growth. And this is precisely the kind of healthful, boundaried love I have been receiving lately, and I know I must have really received it and recognized it because I was able to consciously turn around and give it to someone else. It's amazing what a little healthy perspective can do.

my best girlfriend...

it has been almost my whole life that I have been waiting for a friend like her. we are usually about ten or eleven together. we crack each other up, love each other to pieces, tell each other the absolute truth, accept each other's quirks and imperfections, and celebrate each other's triumphs. i get a chance to be there for her and she lets me, she listens to me, sometimes even takes my advice! she loves me back to pieces. she is always there for me when i need her too. i feel so grateful for her. so i am asking for your help on her behalf... maybe you can help? she means the whole world to me. thanks.

finally time for learning about love!

How could I possibly have missed it for such a long time now? I just haven't been looking in the right place... I've been so focused deep inward that I couldn't see this staring me in the face. I spent a lot of my life learning about the natures of pain and chaos. I had built this weird tolerance for them, so they had to get pretty bad for me to notice sometimes. I have been growing and changing and learning a lot now, but not always aware of the lessons I was supposed to actively seek and so hypervigilant out of habit that I just couldn't chill out. But the time has finally come to learn about the nature of love and compassion, in all of their forms. I still thought it was all about me. I was wrong! These are the most important life lessons I am meant to learn! It dawned on me as I was feeling my awareness of the little red jade Kwan Yin hanging around my neck on a self-knotted silk string of pearls and carnelians. It has been a rebirth process of sorts... I have certainly been meeting a lot of my small child self and learning how to hear her sweet voice and take care of her. And so I can see now that the next phase has truly begun! I'm sooooo grateful!

Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson...

just finished my last paper for the BA program today. I am now officially, a college graduate. I rule.

Janis

first, a treat...

The Genius of Janis

she unpacks sound. she brings the deepest, darkest, moldiest feelings out into the light where you have no choice but to look at them, feel them, indulge them for a while, and then throw your head back in joy and sing along with her. A posthumous thank you to you, Pearl.

blogblank

that's my newly invented term for web log writer's block. I've been so busy with corrections and revisions and questions and driving that i am a little tapped out at the moment. but herein lies the magic of blogging... it's me writing it, so i can write whatever i like... even if whatever i like is nothing.

January 5th application deadline... can she do it, folks?

I am now working against a deadline of January 5th to apply for the MFA program at CalArts. Just the thought makes my heart race with excitement, nerves, anticipation... I have a damn good artist's statement and some of my strongest writing samples... I have great recommenders!!!  I just have to put it all together in a packet and get it in the mail. YIKES!!!!!

I am still in awe that I am days from officially being a college graduate... I am astounded that I am considering an MFA! Even five years ago, if someone had told me this is where I would be in five years, I probably would have laughed until I wet my pants. I feel like a little kid, jumping up and down with excitement after learning something new and wonderful about myself! This is just great! I am a very happy camper at the moment, as I feel this sense of accomplishment really begin to solidify, and I look back down that road and see just how far I have come. I even feel safe to let go and relax these days, because I did it!!!!

namaste

I'm just exhausted! I hope I'm not getting sick. Nah, I don't think so. I've been working really hard at work... really trying to be mindful of every word that comes out of my mouth; of every microexpression on my face; of any way I could offend. i come off as so brusque sometimes, and i don't like it. i don't like the idea that something i say might create the occasion for a fellow human to feel pain. i can't be perfect, there are certainly appropriate times to be guarded, but if i am trying to help create a welcoming and non-judgemental environment, how can i do that if i'm not paying attention to the feelings of others? and so i am really tired, and i can see how i've forgotten myself lately, because i get so caught up in my life and imagined dramas sometimes i just forget. this is not an acceptable excuse for me at this stage of my growth. i am simply not ok with it. at least i know i earned the tiredness, and now the relaxation that is helping to soothe it.

just having a great time of it...

trying to let life roll off my tongue like a favorite and oft-told joke. trying to be very aware of my timing. watching words and thoughts and steering in the right direction. no cliffs. no plummets. eyes front and slightly up. smiling more, especially if i don't feel like it. retraining the ole' gray matter to take care of me all the time, in a way that supports a positive self-image, acknowledges all the love in my life, and keeps me eager to grow. feels good. it's working. i like it. thank you... in general, just thank you.

a slave to the keyboard

to become this is a goal. not my only one, but i want to be so accustomed to daily writing that i feel guilty as hell if i don't do it. and yet, i've been practicing mad compassion for myself, allowing myself to feel my feelings, and try to get done the things i need to do anyway. that "one foot in front of the other" thing i remember from years ago when doing my best to just get out of bed really comes in handy for pretty much anything that's difficult to do. and speaking of that, have i mentioned lately that in a week, i will officially be a college graduate? 

in keeping with my desire to write every day...

...and although I have not been writing every day, I am forcing myself to write, right now.

I am literally and officially ONE WEEK from finally being a college graduate! My mind is just BLOWN!!! I have ordered some wonderful books on writing, including Anne LaMotte's "Bird by Bird", which I think I read in one of my classes early in my BA program, but if I did, I don't remember, so it will be a fresh experience!

i think i might also start to make my way through my library... i have a lot of books, and many or even most of them I have yet to read, much to my chagrin. school just took so much time and energy it became increasingly difficult to just read for pleasure. i have to dive in and remember how much i love it!

book club tomorrow night, i think. that will be interesting, i hope. i haven't read the book yet... i don't even know what we are discussing... maybe i should wait until the quarter, and my MFA application, are all done. school is still a priority, even if it's over! who knew i was such a conscientious student?