a few days out...

it has been a few days since my last post. i am annoyed that for some reason my blog seems to have been flagged as inappropriate in some way, because I can no longer share it on facebook. whoever did it i wish you would tell me, or at least tell me why.

anyway, whatevs. great artists have faced censorship for centuries, so not only am i in good company, i am flattered in a way.

i notice lately that i have been watching films with disturbing themes, and i think it is because there is minimal drama in my life. perhaps i miss it. not in an active and longing way, but perhaps i have become so accustomed to it that i notice when it isn't there.

i have been noticing that i just do not want to put my energy into drama anymore. i am happy to let things, and sometimes even people, go, with love. i realize that it does not only drain my energy when i try to hold on so hard, it also drains the energy of the one on to whom i am holding. this is unfair. so i do not wish to do it anymore.

i recently made a new friend. a really cool guy. i think he likes me more than as a friend, and i think it scares him and i think he is avoiding me. what he does not understand is that i do not want anything from him. i am happy to be his friend. i prefer it, actually. too much potential for that ole' drama there. can't do that one, not again. what sense is there in cultivating great self-awareness if one is not willing to catch oneself inflagrante delicto at ones old habits. if this pattern is ever to end for me, it certainly will not be a passive thing. i must absolutely and with great precision orchestrate my behavior without manipulation or pretense, just a honed focus on myself. it seems to me, though, that i may just not get that chance, because i really think he is scared of me. what a shame. i really don't feel like i need to convince anyone of my intentions anymore. either you see me or you don't, and if you don't, there is nothing i can do... or nothing i am willing to do, anymore. i have proven myself to enough people and i'm tired. now i am just going to be my self and if you like the way i shine and i like you, welcome. if not, have a beautiful life. i'm done pursuing. (now, if only i can make myself completely believe that, i'll be home free.)

it occurs to me that the act of observing oneself changes the self, in the way that physics law states the act of observing changes that which is being observed. and this is what i have been doing for the last several years... studying every minute detail of myself, whether it's pretty or not, whether i like it or not, and doing my best to polish, shape, love, nurture and if necessary gently deconstruct all of it so that i may practice being the best human i can be at all moments.

the best part is that i do not require perfection of myself. all i require is that i show up as much as i can, whenever i can, for as long as i can, as awarely as i can. it's been working. things are sticking more and more. i am understanding more and more. i am learning more and more.

i am so grateful.