wolves

i have heard them howling and echoing from the hillside; heard their ancient canine paws scratch the tired ground outside. they are organized, and their curling lips dribble hunger down the rough fronts of their scarred coats. their gray eyes drink the dark and icy steam rises from their mouths. noses wet with the blood of a previous kill, and yet they lack saeity. i want to ask, why me? i have nothing for you. but they keep enough distance that i cannot take them personally, not really, not now.
i want to pass this test.
i want to stave them off for good.
and yet the fire i feel in my face seems to draw them closer, and i wish it were not so.
what will my life be like now?
will i see my face again?
and if i have another face am i another person?
i miss me. wolves, please bring me back.

life, the great writer

i always find it amazing to be able to connect with someone who has passed secret notes back and forth in study hall with life... who is on such a confidential basis with it that when the very word is mentioned, that person will go, " oh, life and I are like this!" and then hold up the first two digits of their dominant hand tightly crossed. i wonder if i am such a person. like, do i know it that well? i feel a little like Joni Mitchell must have felt shortly preceeding the writing of "Clouds" (aka Both Sides Now) what's funny about that song is that I have known the lyrics since I was a baby... I don't remember a time I didn't know that song, and it is only lately that I have really begun to understand it. (Leah, if you read this, forgive me, but this is the version I grew up with and the one I love most.)
I feel like life has written on me, and i feel sometimes like a handwritten letter from life, to people I love. I have had enough upset to know better than to be parsimonious with those I love. I want to be a smile on their faces whenever they think of me. I want to be a tear of joy on their cheeks. I want to be an urge in their hearts to hug, or bake cookies. I want to be a warm chuckle of identification on a lonely night in their lives.
i am so grateful for all the love in my life.

perspective

it's been an interesting, kind of amazing day. the feeling is intangible and difficult to describe but something has changed. I noticed the other night while on the phone with younger friend of mine with whom I have a sometimes sibling-like, sometimes teacher/student like relationship. He's adorable and talented and i love him and sometimes he creates the occasion for me to feel crazy. My jaw has physically dropped at some of the things that have come from his mouth. I took a long time away from him because I had no energy not to fight with him, and it wasn't fair to him. We are spending more time together again and I am noticing how much I have changed since before my time away. I was listening to my 30ish year old friend talk about his relationship with his family, and listening to this tone of entitlement in his voice, to which of course he is entitled... this is merely my experience I am talking about... and I was thinking how simultaneously cute and bratty he sounded, and I was laughing to myself because as I listened, I was hearing ME talk the way I can so many times when I am not conscious of all I have to be grateful for; when I speak from that woe-is-me place. And I realized that it was behavior that should not be indulged for any great length of time in anyone over the age of five. And so I let him talk to me that first night, and then he called back the next and basically I got the same story... and I had to let him know that I just don't have it in me, and that I will only support his growth. And this is precisely the kind of healthful, boundaried love I have been receiving lately, and I know I must have really received it and recognized it because I was able to consciously turn around and give it to someone else. It's amazing what a little healthy perspective can do.

my best girlfriend...

it has been almost my whole life that I have been waiting for a friend like her. we are usually about ten or eleven together. we crack each other up, love each other to pieces, tell each other the absolute truth, accept each other's quirks and imperfections, and celebrate each other's triumphs. i get a chance to be there for her and she lets me, she listens to me, sometimes even takes my advice! she loves me back to pieces. she is always there for me when i need her too. i feel so grateful for her. so i am asking for your help on her behalf... maybe you can help? she means the whole world to me. thanks.

finally time for learning about love!

How could I possibly have missed it for such a long time now? I just haven't been looking in the right place... I've been so focused deep inward that I couldn't see this staring me in the face. I spent a lot of my life learning about the natures of pain and chaos. I had built this weird tolerance for them, so they had to get pretty bad for me to notice sometimes. I have been growing and changing and learning a lot now, but not always aware of the lessons I was supposed to actively seek and so hypervigilant out of habit that I just couldn't chill out. But the time has finally come to learn about the nature of love and compassion, in all of their forms. I still thought it was all about me. I was wrong! These are the most important life lessons I am meant to learn! It dawned on me as I was feeling my awareness of the little red jade Kwan Yin hanging around my neck on a self-knotted silk string of pearls and carnelians. It has been a rebirth process of sorts... I have certainly been meeting a lot of my small child self and learning how to hear her sweet voice and take care of her. And so I can see now that the next phase has truly begun! I'm sooooo grateful!

Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson...

just finished my last paper for the BA program today. I am now officially, a college graduate. I rule.

Janis

first, a treat...

The Genius of Janis

she unpacks sound. she brings the deepest, darkest, moldiest feelings out into the light where you have no choice but to look at them, feel them, indulge them for a while, and then throw your head back in joy and sing along with her. A posthumous thank you to you, Pearl.

blogblank

that's my newly invented term for web log writer's block. I've been so busy with corrections and revisions and questions and driving that i am a little tapped out at the moment. but herein lies the magic of blogging... it's me writing it, so i can write whatever i like... even if whatever i like is nothing.

January 5th application deadline... can she do it, folks?

I am now working against a deadline of January 5th to apply for the MFA program at CalArts. Just the thought makes my heart race with excitement, nerves, anticipation... I have a damn good artist's statement and some of my strongest writing samples... I have great recommenders!!!  I just have to put it all together in a packet and get it in the mail. YIKES!!!!!

I am still in awe that I am days from officially being a college graduate... I am astounded that I am considering an MFA! Even five years ago, if someone had told me this is where I would be in five years, I probably would have laughed until I wet my pants. I feel like a little kid, jumping up and down with excitement after learning something new and wonderful about myself! This is just great! I am a very happy camper at the moment, as I feel this sense of accomplishment really begin to solidify, and I look back down that road and see just how far I have come. I even feel safe to let go and relax these days, because I did it!!!!

namaste

I'm just exhausted! I hope I'm not getting sick. Nah, I don't think so. I've been working really hard at work... really trying to be mindful of every word that comes out of my mouth; of every microexpression on my face; of any way I could offend. i come off as so brusque sometimes, and i don't like it. i don't like the idea that something i say might create the occasion for a fellow human to feel pain. i can't be perfect, there are certainly appropriate times to be guarded, but if i am trying to help create a welcoming and non-judgemental environment, how can i do that if i'm not paying attention to the feelings of others? and so i am really tired, and i can see how i've forgotten myself lately, because i get so caught up in my life and imagined dramas sometimes i just forget. this is not an acceptable excuse for me at this stage of my growth. i am simply not ok with it. at least i know i earned the tiredness, and now the relaxation that is helping to soothe it.

just having a great time of it...

trying to let life roll off my tongue like a favorite and oft-told joke. trying to be very aware of my timing. watching words and thoughts and steering in the right direction. no cliffs. no plummets. eyes front and slightly up. smiling more, especially if i don't feel like it. retraining the ole' gray matter to take care of me all the time, in a way that supports a positive self-image, acknowledges all the love in my life, and keeps me eager to grow. feels good. it's working. i like it. thank you... in general, just thank you.

a slave to the keyboard

to become this is a goal. not my only one, but i want to be so accustomed to daily writing that i feel guilty as hell if i don't do it. and yet, i've been practicing mad compassion for myself, allowing myself to feel my feelings, and try to get done the things i need to do anyway. that "one foot in front of the other" thing i remember from years ago when doing my best to just get out of bed really comes in handy for pretty much anything that's difficult to do. and speaking of that, have i mentioned lately that in a week, i will officially be a college graduate? 

in keeping with my desire to write every day...

...and although I have not been writing every day, I am forcing myself to write, right now.

I am literally and officially ONE WEEK from finally being a college graduate! My mind is just BLOWN!!! I have ordered some wonderful books on writing, including Anne LaMotte's "Bird by Bird", which I think I read in one of my classes early in my BA program, but if I did, I don't remember, so it will be a fresh experience!

i think i might also start to make my way through my library... i have a lot of books, and many or even most of them I have yet to read, much to my chagrin. school just took so much time and energy it became increasingly difficult to just read for pleasure. i have to dive in and remember how much i love it!

book club tomorrow night, i think. that will be interesting, i hope. i haven't read the book yet... i don't even know what we are discussing... maybe i should wait until the quarter, and my MFA application, are all done. school is still a priority, even if it's over! who knew i was such a conscientious student?

my own worst enemy

I don't avoid cliches at all costs like writers are supposed to do... they have value, and are cliches for a reason. I just suspended my netflix account because I find I'm just not getting anything done. I am reading this wonderful book, "The War of Art," by Steven Pressfield. It's all about overcoming resistance; creative blocks that keep us from getting our work done. I realize through its reading the discipline I have sorely been lacking. This must change. I must change it. My biggest time and energy suck lately has been sitting on my ass in front of my computer watching tv reruns, movies, documentaries, youtube clips... AAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!! I feel like a loser and I hate it! And so I've decided, as the wholesome smell of Irish steel cut oats cooking fills my apartment, that I have to write, every day, no matter what. And you, my dear reader, will just have to suffer through this drivel that covers whatever great work lies dormant within me. I beg your indulgence until I get to it... 

oh, the wacky week I have been experiencing...

life is just showing up all over the place! and it's not being very friendly, lately, in some areas, I must say. it occurred to me today, because I have been experimenting with letting my hair grow out in its platinum glory, that maybe I look at myself in the mirror and see "old," whether I'm aware of it or not. and so i decided today to go back to dyeing it dark again. amazing how difficult it can be to allow ones own image of oneself to change. i keep telling myself i'm just not ready to go gray yet... especially in Los Angeles, where there is so incredibly much attention paid to one's outsides, that sometimes I go a little overboard in only paying attention to my insides.

ever the rebel without a clue!

maybe i'll post "before and afters"... we'll see.

anyway, the reason i started this particular subject, was to lead to yet another cool insight i just had while watching sexy Lindsay Crouse in House of Games... and there's this poker game scene in which Lindsay is supposed to tell Joe Mantegna if the other guy played with his ring... that was his tell, apparently... while Mantegna's character left the room to pee. he comes back in, she tells him, yes, he played with his ring, Mantegna calls the bet... and loses the hand!!! WTF?! and it dawned on me that it is impossible to spot a tell only within the confines of a poker game. it's gambling. this can be exhilarating and/or scary, depending who you are. add in the raising of stakes and all the puffed up chest guy stuff that goes on during poker games, and you're in for a potentially nerve wracking evening.  all kinds of little tics might pop up, and if you don't have any context other than poker into which to place those tics, you may be getting it wrong.

Re-watching this film I briefly rethink my decision...

Ever see this film? Closet Land? It's great. and scary. and fucked up. it's so Orwellian in its tone. And freakily relevant...

some people seem to have gone insane lately. what did I read about some idiots stomping on a woman's head? hear about this craziness? What the fuck? and this... WW2 only ended, what, 65 years ago? Has she read her own country's history for Christ's sake?

What has happened? What's going on, and why? Have we really become that afraid of each other? Maybe we just know too much about everything. Or, more accurately, we know as much as we are supposed to know. As much as we are given. and after that, that's it. Can't really unknow something.

Gilda Live... through the looking glass

first, you just have to watch this... but maybe turn down the volume on your computer...?

Rhonda and the Rondettes

So I'm watching this, and loving every second, thinking things like, "Now this is funny!!! How can people get so crazy about bland, one dimensional Kristen Wiig? Gilda had it all!!!"

and I feel so old with thoughts like that, and then I think about my speculation of needing a context, and I realize I have one, but it's kind of unfair to compare anything today to what was thirty years ago. Times have changed so much! The culture is so incredibly different than it was then. 

Just because I have spent so much time and energy resisting change of this kind, stalwartly refusing to adapt in so many ways, does not mean that I am untouched by it. and I wonder where my mental flexibility is in cases like this one... why I'm so forward thinking in so many arenas, but I cling steadfastly to an ill-fitting culture of what it used to be. 

I feel no need or desire to cling to youth, that's not it, or I would be completely into what is happening now. I wonder what it is...? I wonder why I have idolized so much of the past? Why I would rail against the Lady GaGa phenomenon, for instance, or remain in denial about any of it? What kind of a choice is that to make? 

I'm starting to see this as an opportunity to reexamine my self-image; it's perfect, as so much of my identity has been inadvertently but irrevocably wrapped up in school, where a flexible mind is a beautiful thing. I think that it's possible my beliefs have taken on a fear infested hardness, a solidity that the intangibility of notions was never meant to attain. 

I think I might be afraid because it is time to start building again, and I haven't taken a proper inventory of my materials. and now to have realized this, to have found the voice of this exercise in narcissistic introspection, it feels like an embarkation into a tributary of my self-education. 

I feel like both Susan Orlean AND her orchid thief... I get to look through both sides of the lens that is the meta-fiction of life, and stare into my own eyes. What an opportunity! 

How could I have forgotten?

after leaving the Norton Simon, I cruised back to KTown to take part in an inspired "It Gets Better" video. The Gay Men's Chorus here in L.A. invited some people to come and sing with them, Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors", to post as part of Dan Savage's wonderful "It Gets Better" movement. we taped it in a large hall with incredible acoustics, and the harmonies written for the guys to sing were just gorgeous. it was a lovely way to round out the day. will post that video when it's up.

there's likely to be a lot of stuffing for a while, until I get my application done, but i suspect it's all a necessary part of this journey.

art and stuff

hit the Norton Simon today. haven't been in a couple of years. it was much more crowded than I'm comfortable with... it's hard to really look at and experience art with idle chatter around... i think i spent equal time in the museum shop; it was less crowded. it's pretty cool, though. i really love to look at
the Picasso:    

Picasso's Woman With a Book

                                  













 the Matisse:

The Dessert, Harmony in Red, 1908

and the Bazille:

This is "Woman in Moorish Costume," or, "Mauresque," by Frederic Bazille. Ain't she purty?

I figure looking at art will help to hone that critical eye I want to further develop. will have to plan to attend a lot of performance pieces of all kinds, as well. a museum is wonderful, and yet it houses the past. i have spent too much time in the past... i need to be present.

modern dance, experimental theater, film festivals, opera (if i can find it subtitle-free, anyway) will have to somehow become food. i know this. i need a context. i think that may be why i am having trouble getting this blog off the ground... no context. haven't been out in the art world enough at all lately.

freaking out a little bit

this whole applying to grad school thing smacks just a little too much of auditioning. Aaargh! I don't like the feeling of my fate and future being in the hands of others. Brings up my control issues a little bit. In my mind, I should just be able to walk in, radiate my brilliance, and bowl them over to the point where they beg me to be part of their program... and they can throw all kinds of grant and scholarship money my way while they're at it!!! It's amazing being afforded the opportunity to lay aside my ego and have something so personal as my writing up for someone else's approval again.

day 2

I haven't done this before because I guess I feel like nobody will want to read what I have to say, but I guess in a way, everyone feels like that. I know I have to build a blogging practice, though. I used to journal every day, so I guess this is the same thing, except I'm inviting you to read it.

So, I'm doing an internship this quarter for my school's online literary journal, Two Hawks Quarterly. Here's the link if you want to check it out, read, submit:

Two Hawks Quarterly

I also recently toured CalArts, for their MFA in Creative Writing. That was pretty amazing...

CalArts Writing Program

I will be spending the next several weeks getting my application packet together... I have no idea when I might find out whether I've been admitted or not. It's great practice at that whole letting go thing. tonight's post kind of sucks. Sorry. Once it becomes habit, it will be better.

the in-between time

It's almost midnight a few days after my birthday. I'm 44, about to finish my undergrad. Sometimes I wonder if I should have gone to school to learn to do something, like my brother did. I read my evaluations from last quarter today, and they said that although I have original thoughts, an expressive manner, and a lot of passion, and other things along those lines, I need to further hone my critical thinking skills, which are apparently taking a back seat to my emotions of late. It's obviously time to be done with my BA already. I'm very tired, and I fully acknowledge that I need a substantial break. I am doing my best to prepare myself for life without school, albeit temporarily. I am GOING to get into grad school. But even when I get into the program of my dreams, I won't start until September of 2011. What the hell do I do with myself in the meantime, the above named in-between time? And so I've started this blog, since I want an MFA in Creative Writing, best to keep it up daily. See you tomorrow!